Bristle Family

No pictures....just words... :)

2011-06-23T19:41:00.000-07:00

Everytime I want to blog I always feel like I have to have pictures ready to insert and sometimes that keeps me from blogging because I don't have that much time. So, this blog will just be words. Hopefully the next one will have pictures. :)

I can't believe how much time has flown by since my last blog post! A lot has happened since then. I will try to recap most of it if this brain can remember!! One of my dear friends did a Christmas letter once and she used the alphabet to recap the prior year. I'm going to give that a try....maybe that will help keep this scatterbrain a little more organized!! :)

A - Avery - She continues to bless our lives so richly! She is a very high-energy little 2 year-old!

B - Birthdays - We celebrated Avery's 2nd birthday here with us and her twin brother's, Landon's, 2nd birthday in heaven with our Lord. We celebrated with a Mickey/Minnie Mouse birthday. I made 2 cakes. Minnie mouse for Avery and Mickey mouse for Landon. We had a wonderful time and we also had a huge blessing that day. The blue and white tulips that we had planted last November in Landon's flower garden poked through the soil for the very first time on their birthday! So, B is also for blessings!!

C - Christ - We would not have gotten through losing Landon without our Father. He has continued to reveal Himself to us and has shown His love to us in so many amazing ways.

D - Dance - Addison is continuing to take dance lessons at Jenks Dance Academy where she is taking ballet, tap and tumbling. She absolutely loves it and makes up her own dances all the time!

E - Easter - We had a great Easter, spending a lot of time with family. The kids decorated an Easter basket for Landon and we set it by his marker at Floral Haven.

F - February - Always a very bittersweet month. Feb. 26th was Avery and Landon's 2nd birthday. Two of my friends also lost their full-term babies this past February. It was a very hard month.

G - Grace - Oh my goodness. I have been amazed by how God has shown his grace to me. I have a really neat story about grace that will hopefully be my next blog. It's a very involved story so it will take up its own blog. :)

H - Healing - We continue to heal everyday. I'd have to say that we are better where we are right now compared to 2 years ago. There have been many hills and valleys and I know there will be many more. But, we have come a long way.

I - Ice cream - Well, that one came easy! We made our first snow ice cream this past winter when we were literally snowed in and completely going crazy!!! It turned out really yummy and the kids loved it! :)

J - Jesus - Continuing to surrender everyday to Christ.

K - Kallan - My best friend had her baby girl, Kallan, on December 5th! She is so adorable and looks just like her older brother, Katch. :)

L - Linley - I almost become speechless when I think about her. To be completely honest with you, she saved me. She is such a blessing to our lives. I don't know what I would do without her!

M- Mexico - My amazing husband surprised my sister and me with a cruise to Cozumel, Mexico in May! We had such a great time. It was a wonderful bonding time for us....something we don't get to do very often!

N - Nutcracker - Addison and I went to the Nutcracker this past December. We have made a tradition to go every year and I look forward to when Avery and Linley are old enough to join us!

O - October 5, 2010, the birth of our 5th child, Linley Gregg Bristle!

P - Physical Therapist - I went back to work as a part-time physical therapist at the Oklahoma Surgical Hospital. Going back to work has also played a part in helping me to heal. I feel a little more "normal" doing something that I use to do and enjoy very much. My whole perspective has changed when it comes to my job. I enjoyed helping my patients and all, but now there is a lot more compassion. I have been able to share my story several times with some of my patients and they have been able to open up and share with me some of their trials and how they pressed on. It has also helped me to become a better mom. I look forward to my days off with my kiddos and those days are a lot more purposeful now.

Q - Q has always been a hard letter. Hmmm....let's see, I would have to say "quiet." I have learned to be quiet and still and listen to God. Also, to listen to others. You can learn a lot when you just sit still and listen.

R - Ryan - My husband continues to be my rock. I have put him through so much during this journey of grief and he has stood by my side.....completely unwavering....and has loved me unconditionally.

S - Soccer - We have spent many days on the soccer field and it has been so much fun! Logan and Addison both play soccer for the Metro Tulsa Soccer Club. Logan plays for the Destroyers and Addison plays for the Rainbow Unicorns. Gotta love the team names! Ryan has really enjoyed coaching Addison's soccer team. :)

T - Tulsa Tough - I recently biked the Tulsa Tough with my best friend. It was a 30 mile bike ride through Tulsa. We had a great time, but was I ever sore! This was the first time either of us had been back on our bikes in about 1 1/2 years! It's time to get back in shape!!

U - Upwards basketball - Logan enjoyed playing in the Upwards Basketball league at our church. Logan is really becoming quite the basketball player. Ryan really enjoys coaching the team.

V - VBS - I recently helped co-direct the preschool side for VBS at our church. The theme was "Pandamania" where the kids learned how God is crazy about them! They loved it!!

W - Whiteside Gym - Avery got to take her first gymnastics class at Whiteside gym. She absolutely loved it! She is our little monkey...she climbs on everything! She will make quite the gymnast someday!!

X - Another hard letter!! I'm going to cheat and say Expedition. We went on "Expedition Everest" while at Animal Kingdom at Disneyworld. We got to spend 4 full days at Disneyworld and we enjoyed every bit of it! I'm ready to go back!!

Y - Youth group - Ryan and I continue to serve as D-group leaders with our youth group at church. We have done this for the past 4 years and have really gotten to them very well.

Z - Zoom - Logan and Addison's teachers did an ABC countdown during the last 26 days of school and they used the word "zoom" for the last day...."zoom out of second grade," "zoom out of preschool." I still can't believe that the school year is over. It seems like this year is zooming by. But, I do have to say, that I am learning to slow down, breathe, listen and learn.

Well, that sums up a little of what we have been doing these past months. We are so blessed and so thankful of the many ways God has blessed us. We are so grateful for our family, our friends, our amazing church. Our hearts are still healing. I know it will take a long time. Probably the rest of our lives. But, I have learned to just sit still and think and reflect about all that I have here right now on this earth and about the amazing promise of eternity that we have ahead of us.

Linley Gregg Bristle

2010-11-02T11:17:00.000-07:00

You know, I really wish I had more time to blog! I have been meaning to blog for weeks now! But, we have a very wonderful reason why we have been so busy. Our precious baby girl is finally here! Linley Gregg Bristle came into this world and immediately blessed our lives on October 5th, at 12:32 pm. She weighed 7 pounds 10 ounces (our biggest baby!) and was 19 1/2 inches long. And.....she has a head full of beautiful brown hair. I just love it that she has brown hair. Her hair is just like her older brother Landon's. She even looks like Landon. But most importantly, she is healthy, alive, and with us. She gets her middle name from Landon. His middle name is Gregory which is my dad's first name. We are so thankful that she is finally here with us and that we can hold her. She is definitely an answer to our prayers.

The day of my C-section seemed to last forever. We arrived at the hospital at 10:00 and the c-section was scheduled for 12:00. For the most part, everything was running very smoothly. Ryan and I were both very anxious....we just wanted to get through this and to have her in our arms. Got all the prep work done and they were wheeling me down to the OR. I had a flashback at the twin's c-section and I saw the OR that we were in last time approaching us on the left side. I thought to myself, "Please, don't turn left." And, they turned left. We were in the same room as last time. I started getting very anxious at this point and the nurses were so wonderful and understanding because our doctor made sure they all knew what had happened last time. I remembered looking up to the ceiling and just saying over and over again, "God just please let everything be okay." I haven't prayed so hard in my life.

Then, my doctor came in and talked with us and reassured us that everything was going to be ok. I, of course, was crying. It was just so emotional and all the memories came flooding back. The anesthesiologist came and did his thing and I was numb quickly. He was very supportive too and did his best to keep us at ease. It seemed like 4 minutes later, they were pulling her out of me and the first thing our doctor said was, "Well, she does not have red hair!" "She has a head full of brown hair!" I lost it again. Landon had brown hair. Then, I finally got to see her. She was beautiful and even looked like Landon. Ryan thought so too. They took her back to get her measurements and this is when it really hit Ryan. They put her on the scale to weigh her, and she looked just like Landon did when they placed him on the scale. Ryan's face turned pale and he almost passed out. The nurses helped him sit down and they got him some juice. He felt better soon after that. It was just such an emotional time.

Then, they took her and got her all cleaned up and did all the appropriate tests. Then, a nurse from the nursery brought her to our room probably about 30 minutes later and I finally got to hold her! It was so good to see her and to hold her. I did a lot of crying, but they were happy tears. The pregnancy just seeemed to last forever and it was so nice to finally have her safe in my arms.

We are so very thankful to God for blessing us with this baby girl. She is healthy, perfect and beautiful. I already can't imagine my life without her in it. I am also thankful that she reminds us of Landon. They have the same hair color and the same nose and ears. God, thank you for this precious gift. Thank you for blessing me with a healthy pregnancy and a healthy baby girl. We continue to trust you and to give it all over to you.

Sweet summer memories and blessings to come

2010-08-26T08:04:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I haven't been the best blogger. This summer just flew by! I had good intentions to blog more, but we have just been so busy!! Going to try to recap all of the wonderful memories that we have had since my last post. (Hopefully this preggo brain won't forget anything!!) :)

On April 29th, our precious Addison turned 4 years old! Oh my goodness....I just can't believe she is already 4! We celebrated her birthday with a Strawberry Shortcake party at one of her favorite parks in Jenks. This park has an amazing playground, but you can also fish and feed the ducks, too...which is right up Addison's alley since she loves all animals! Here are a few pics of her day.

Our attempt to a family picture before we headed out to the park!

Addison's cake

Addison blowing out her birthday candles

Addison enjoying her birthday cake

Addison opening up her presents. Love this sweet pic of Addison and Ragon!

Addison made sure all of the ducks got plenty of food!

Happy Birthday sweet Addison! We love you so much and you are just turning into such a sweet little girl. We love your passion for life and your adventurous spirit. You are such a blessing to our family. Just please don't grow up too fast!

Well, our summer was a busy one, but full of so many good memories. We started off our summer with a trip to the Great Wolf Lodge. We have been to the one in Kansas City, but this time we made our way down to Grapevine Texas to check out theirs!

After this trip, Logan and Addison started their swim lessons. So nice to have them both take at the same time! They just loved it!

After this, Addison had her first dance recital!! I don't know who was more excited....her or her mommy! She took at the dance studio that I actually took from. She had so much fun learning ballet and tap. Here are a few pics of her big day.

I love this picture! Katch brought Addison flowers for her first dance recital!

Ok, so next comes Logan's 7th birthday! I can not believe that our little guy is already 7! This just blows my mind. Logan wanted a sports birthday party so we had all the cousins and Logan's buddies come over for a fun birthday filled with sports games and swimming in the back yard. Here are a few pics of his big day.

Woo-hoo! Star Wars legos!

The water balloons were a hit!

Logan's birthday cake

Happy 7th birthday Logan! You are such a blessing to our family. You have such a sweet spirit and it is so neat to see how you are already so protective of your little sisters! We love you so much!

And....little miss Avery has definitely enjoyed her summer! As I sit here and type this, Avery is 18 months old. Now that is hard to believe. She is doing so many new things and is constantly trying to keep up with Logan and Addison. Some of the sweetest things that she is doing right now are the times when she tries to sing the ABC's or Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.....just melts my heart! Here are a few pics of her fun summer.

Love those blue eyes!

We spent many days in the pool!

And also many days at the splash park

Avery, you are such an angel. You fill our hearts with so much joy. You are just so sweet and so loving and affectionate. You give the best hugs and kisses and I love it that you love to be cuddled so much. We love you!

Something else that has really flown by is my pregnancy. I'm 33 weeks along and it just seems like yesterday that I found out that I was pregnant. I am going to the doctor every week now which is so nice. It is so reassuring to go in every week and to see and hear the heartbeat. Very early on in my pregnancy, my doctor gave me a doppler from his office to take home. What a blessing this has been. We get to hear the heartbeat at any time. This really helps me get from one doctor's appointment to the next. I have had a few bumps along the road with this pregnancy. I started having gallbladder pain in my second trimester. At this time, she was breech and I was carrying her very high and this was putting pressure on the gall bladder. She has now turned and has dropped somewhat and the pain has subsided. My doctor did order an ultrasound to the gall bladder and some blood work and everything checked out okay. Then, about 3 weeks ago, I went in and my doctor reported that my amniotic fluid levels were pretty high. He mentioned gestational diabetes as a possible cause and ordered the 3 hour fasting glucose test. Boy was that ever fun. :/ But, I passed! No diabetes.....thank God! I just saw him again today and he said that everything looks great including the amniotic fluid levels. God has been so good and I am continuing to try to place my trust in Him. Some days this comes fairly easy.....others it just doesn't. We are getting close to the 35th week in this pregnancy. This is when we lost Landon. I am scared. I am anxious. When I was pregnant with the twins I prayed constantly that everything would be okay. That the babies would be okay and that there would be no complications. That was not our outcome. I still don't know why. We may never know why. Some days I struggle so much with this and other days not so much. There is no rhyme or reason to grieving....that I have learned. You just need to let yourself feel all the emotions that you need to feel and along the way learning to trust the Lord with all your heart and cling to Him with all you have. I'm trying to understand that He knows the "why" and that should be good enough. He is omniscient, almighty, powerful and sovereign. He understands it all. He sees the big picture. He sees it from the beginning to the end. We are not omniscient. We don't see the big picture. We were not created that way. If we were, then why would we have to trust in God? We would know everything. And that would keep us from developing a relationship with Him. So, I may never know the "why" this side of heaven. Or, maybe I will years from now. Maybe I will have the chance to help someone else who has gone through something very similar. I pray this is the case.

We are so thankful for this pregnancy. I knew it would be very hard emotionally to get pregnant again. But, once again, you really just don't know what you are going to feel until you are right in the middle of it. I have missed Landon so much during most of this pregnancy. I have had so many dreams of him during this pregnancy. I see Avery and what she is doing and learning and I think to myself, "This is what Landon would be doing." I often visualize him playing right beside her and I imagine all the time about what they would be doing together. How they would play, interact, laugh, etc. Then, I think about him being in heaven with our Lord and Saviour and getting to see and experience amazing things. Then, my mind goes back to this pregnancy and the hope that I have in that. I am so thankful for the precious life that is growing inside of me. I pray that everything will be okay and that we will get to hold her. I know we don't know the outcome of this pregnancy, and that is so scary, but all I can do is trust Him. It's in His hands.

Trying to catch up!

2010-05-05T08:35:00.000-07:00

Wow. I can't believe how long it has been since my last post! We have been soooooo busy lately and it seems like so much has happened. Hopefully I will be able to catch up!

The months of January and February were extremely hard. It seemed like we had a long, hard, cold winter. Let's just say that I am so glad that Spring is here. January and February were hard since we were approaching Avery and Landon's first birthday. This wasn't the typical first birthday. We were excited that Avery was turning one.....could not believe that a year had already gone by! But also, terribly missing our son Landon. I just couldn't believe that it had already been a year since I held my son. I have heard that the weeks leading up to a "first" milestone are sometimes harder than the actual day of the milestone. The weeks leading up to the first birthday were very hard. I just didn't know what to expect. Uncertainty is so very hard. I continued to pray over and over that, "God, just take over....I can't do it." And He did. My husband and I had come up with some great ideas for their birthday. We wanted a special day for Avery, but also a special time to remember Landon. I had come up with a butterfly theme. A lot of you know my thing with butterflies. The fact that I tend to see butterflies everywhere....and I tend to see them when I am very down. I ordered a butterfly cake pan and I made 2 butterfly cakes. I iced Avery's cake with pink icing and blue accents on the wings and I iced Landon's cake with blue icing and pink accents on the wings. It symbolized that Avery and Landon are still connected.....even from heaven.

The day of the first birthday ended up being such a special day. All of our family was there to be with us. Avery really enjoyed eating her birthday cake and opening up her presents!

Ryan and I also decided that we wanted to do a balloon release outside with our family on the day of their first birthday. We had blue and pink balloons and everyone got to write a message on their balloon. Our 6 year-old son, Logan, wrote the sweetest message to Landon about how he missed him and couldn't wait to see him in heaven. Our 3 year-old daughter, Addison, drew a picture on her balloon for Landon. At this time, Ryan and I had the chance to share how Landon's life has affected our life. We also had a special time of prayer before we released the balloons. As we were releasing the balloons, our kids and my brother's kids were all saying how the balloons were going up into heaven to Landon so he could have them for his birthday.

We also went to Floral Haven to place some flowers and balloons on Landon's marker. My sister met us out there and she had the prettiest butterfly decorations to place in the vase with the flowers. I also found some butterfly balloons to tie onto the vase. Our kids were such a big help in decorating Landon's marker. I am so proud of them. When we were there, we also did another balloon release.

I am just in awe of all of the support we received around their first birthday. My best friend came the day of the birthday and brought a gift for both Avery and Landon. She also gave me the February birthstone charm to add to the bracelet she gave me on Christmas. She had also given me the butterfly charm on Christmas because she knew how much butterflies meant to me. Another dear, close friend brought by the most amazing book ever. She had some of our closest, dearest friends write letters to us about how their lives were touched by Landon. She also had pictures of Landon and Avery together when they were born. This was such an amazing gift. Reading the letters brought many tears, but also so much peace at the same time. It will always be such a treasure. This close friend also brought the cutest black and white butterfly outfit for Avery. I had Avery's one year pictures taken in this outfit. Hopefully, I can figure out how to post those pictures on my blog. :) They turned out so good! There are also so many more ways people reached out to us. Another very dear friend of mine sent us a letter in the mail that we got on their birthday. She shared with us her heart and specific journal entries around the time that we lost Landon. Reading this letter also brought us a huge amount of peace. Another dear friend shared with me an amazing dream she had and how God specifically told her to pray. This was another way how God revealed Himself to us. We are just so amazed at the outpouring of love and support from our friends and family.

Another milestone that we conquered just the day after their first birthday was Avery's baby dedication. Once again, God took care of every detail. We met with our pastor a few weeks before the dedication so talk about what we would like to do and to get his feedback. It turned out being such a special, sweet time. We were able to have pictures of Avery and Landon together and also pictures of Avery during her first year.

One of the reasons we have been so busy is that we moved! God completely had His hand upon us moving. We were blessed to have an amazing group of people from our church help us with selling our home and finding and buying our new home. Shortly after their first birthday, Ryan and I were talking about how we needed more room. And, we have a very good reason why we need more room!! Ok, I do have some very exciting news to share! A lot of you already know this, but we are expecting!!! We are so excited! I am about 16 1/2 weeks along. Yes, I count that half! Especially when you are nauseated and throwing up everyday! The sickness has gotten a lot better and I am so thankful for that. We did wait a while to tell most people. So, around week 13-14 we shared our news! Our friends continue to show us so much love and support. Two of my close and dear friends loaded me up with the cutest maternity clothes. One of these amazing girls also gave me Angie Smith's new book, "I Will Carry You." It is such a good book. I'm almost through and I already want to read it again.

God continues to reveal Himself to us....in big and in small ways. I am just so amazed by his love. Our due date just happens to be Oct. 15th. This day holds great relevance to us. It just happens to be the National Day of remembering infant loss. Wow. God is amazing. To me this means that even though we are having another baby, Landon will always be with us. He will always be in our hearts and we "Will carry him" until we get to see him again. God knew that I needed this and He once again took care of every detail.

Christmas 20009 - Part 2

2010-02-03T08:55:00.000-08:00

So, continuing on with our Christmas. First of all, Ryan and I were so amazed to see how much snow was falling on Christmas Eve. I know this may sound a bit silly, but for me the snowfall brought a huge amount of peace. Just to know that we were going to have a white Christmas when we woke up Christmas morning. Wow. God certainly takes care of every detail. I can't remember the last time we had a white Christmas....and one being sooooo white! God, thank you! Your love is amazing!!!! One thing that has helped us is to do different things....making new traditions. The white Christmas for us was something different. It was something that we were not use to seeing year after year. Hope that all makes sense!

We had a great time playing outside in the snow. We built a huge snow fort and had snowball fights and we built a snowman. During all of this, I was thinking, "God, I wish so much that Landon was here with us." But, you know, Landon is not missing out on anything. What he is getting to experience is beyond what we can imagine, right now. He is in perfect paradise with our Lord and Saviour. As the Lord was speaking this to me, I had another thought. I immediately got down onto my back and looking up into the heavens, I spread my arms and legs out and in and made a snow angel for Landon. It was a way for me to feel close to my son.

It was also nice being "snowed in." It took the pressure off of having to be anywhere at any certain time. We just got to hang out as a family and spend time together. We stayed in most of Christmas Eve and had so much fun making cookies for Santa.

After our cookies were all made, we placed them by the fireplace along with some carrots for the reindeer. Can't forget those reindeer. :) We all sat together on the couch and daddy read "The Night Before Christmas."

I had mentioned before, in another post, that we had gotten Landon a small, live tree and placed a strand of blue lights on it along with his ornaments. Here are some more pictures of Landon's Christmas tree along with some close-up pictures of his ornaments. We used some of the pictures that our wonderful Miss Sarah took for our Christmas card.

It was so wonderful to wake up to a very white Christmas. Logan and Addison ran into the living room to see what Santa had brought them. Avery woke up to her first Christmas looking so cute!!

Here are some pictures of the kiddos opening their gifts

Later that day, we drove out to my mom and stepdad's house to celebrate Christmas with them. Logan, Addison and Avery had a fun time getting to open gifts with their cousins. The next day we were off to celebrate Christmas with my dad and stepmom at my aunt and uncle's house. The kids had a blast getting to sled down a hill close to their house!

After we left my aunt and uncle's house, we drove out to Floral Haven to place some Christmas flowers and other items on Landon's marker. Still to this day, it seems so surreal every time we go out there. Then, when we are there, a peace always seems to wash over me completely.

We placed some flowers in his vase and wrapped a "Baby's First Christmas" bib around the bottom of the vase. Logan brought a sleigh bell that he received in school when they had their Polar Express Day. Addison colored a page out of her coloring book and placed it in Landon's stocking that we layed down next to his marker. We all knelt down around his marker and prayed. As we prayed I heard the Lord speak, "Be still, and know that I am God."

Christmas 2009 - part one

2010-01-26T14:30:00.000-08:00

Ok, this will probably be one of the hardest posts I have done. I have been wanting to blog about our first Christmas with our beautiful daughter Avery and also our first Christmas without our sweet son, Landon. I have attempted many times to sit here and share my thoughts and feelings, but it has been too painful to even do that. I know how much blogging and sharing my thoughts has helped me in the past....so I continue to try.

I will be honest with you. I was really not looking forward to Christmas. I was excited because this was Avery's first Christmas and all the memories and what not. But, how was I going to get through this? I couldn't even go Christmas shopping. All it took was one look at all the Christmas decorations, toys....etc and I would start to cry and have to leave the store. So, I figured out very quickly that this was not going to work. Therefore, I did most of my Christmas shopping online. Thank goodness for modern technology! :)

I don't know what I would do without my husband. Ryan fully understands my heart and he knew how painful Christmas was going to be. Christmas was very hard for Ryan too, but as we all know, men and women just grieve differently. Ryan took care of all the Christmas decorations. I tried to help, but I just couldn't. So, I didn't. For Ryan, it helps him to be busy. When I am overwhelmed with grief...I just check out. That just happens to be our coping mechanisms right now.

One thing that I had to do was order Avery and Landon's Christmas stockings. I wanted all 4 of them hung on our mantle. I could not imagine not having one for Landon. This just did not feel right. So, I got online and ordered their stockings from the same place that I ordered Logan and Addisons years ago. I put them up and it felt good (right) to have them all hung up. It helps me so much to be able to do things for him. He is my son. He will always be. He just isn't here with us on this earth, but we will be with him for eternity in Heaven.....someday.

So, I just continued on trying to figure out how I am going to get through Christmas. After a lot of prayer and spending time talking to the Lord, I thought of something we could for Landon. We got him a small live Christmas tree and placed his ornaments on the tree. One of the ornaments was from a Christmas service that we went to at St. Francis hospital. They have a service every year around Christmas for families that have lost babies. I am so glad we went to this service. It was something we did just for Landon. My whole family came and two of my dear friends. I had written a poem to read that night. I wanted so badly to be able to read the poem at the service, but I just couldn't stop crying sitting there in my seat. There was an auditorium full of people and I was just not ready. So, I have decided to put it on my blog:

A Poem for Landon....from your mommy

I dreamed of you, Landon, before you even began to form

I earnestly looked forward to the day that you were born.

I cherished every second that you were a part of me

So nice and warm and safe next to your twin sister Avery.

We looked forward to your arrival with great anticipation and joy

So blessed to be pregnant with twins....one girl and one boy....

The Lord took you home this past February, on the day your sister was born

So many days of mixed feelings - times to be happy and times to mourn.

Our love for you, Landon, grows stronger and stronger with every passing day

We know that we will be with you forever in Heaven...we just know that this is the only way.

Writing this poem has also helped with my healing too. There is a lot more to come about our first Christmas. The next post will be coming soon.

I just want to thank you all again for your faithful prayers and amazing friendship. You all mean the world to me!

Love you,
Michelle

Pictures of Thanksgiving, milestones and gingerbread houses :)

2009-12-14T12:01:00.000-08:00

Ryan and I are continuing to start new traditions. We have found that this has been very helpful during our healing. So, as a result.....we had Thanksgiving at our house for the first time! We were excited to host Thanksgiving. Ryan's parents were in town for the holiday and they helped with all of the preparations. My mom and stepdad and most of my siblings were there and everyone pitched in. A new tradition that we have started is to go to a movie together as a family on Thanksgiving evening. We all went to see "A Christmas Carol." The kids just loved it....especially since they got to wear the cool 3-D glasses! The next day, we went to my aunt and uncle's house, here in Tulsa, where we celebrated another Thanksgiving dinner with my dad and stepmom and my siblings. It was so nice to be around family during this time. Here are a few pics of our holiday.

Avery's first Thanksgiving :)

Papa, Logan and Addison enjoying their Thanksgiving dinner

Family picture - Thanksgiving 2009

Mommy and Avery

Cute little Avery :)

After our thanksgiving dinner together, we went out to decorate Landon's marker with a beautiful bouquet of flowers and a thanksgiving bib that we wrapped around the bottom of the vase. I can only imagine the type of celebration that Landon got to experience on his first Thanksgiving with our Lord and Saviour in heaven.

Well, let's talk about some of Avery's milestones. You all would just not believe how much Avery is changing before our eyes! She is growing so fast and is doing so many new things. She has been such a blessing and we are so thankful for her. She now has 4 teeth....two top and two bottom. This just makes her smile even cuter! So now she gets to enjoy those yummy biter biscuits! :)

Hmmm...let's see. Do I like this?

Ahhh yes....this is great! Finally, I get to chew something!!! :)

Avery is also starting to crawl! It is just so cute to see her little body crawling around everywhere! And boy, does she like the fact that she is now mobile. It is so cute to see her try to keep up with Logan and Addison.

We also had a lot of fun making our very first gingerbread house! Logan and Addison were eating the candy faster than daddy was trying to put it on the house!

Logan and Addison were very proud of their creation! This will definitely be something we will continue to do each Christmas!

Thankfulness

2009-12-02T08:38:00.000-08:00

I don't even know where to begin. So many thoughts and feelings right now it is so overwhelming. Our family just got through our first Thanksgiving without our son, Landon. I knew the holidays were going to be rough, but you just don't really know how hard it will be until it's right there staring at you in the face. It is so hard to continue traditions that you are used to doing when there is someone not there to share it. When I was pregnant, I had so many thoughts and dreams about how our life would be with twins. I remember thinking that they would both be in high chairs eating baby food by the time we celebrated Thanksgiving. I envisioned what our table would look like with our family all around and two high chairs by the table. I am trying so hard to be thankful for what I have, but at the same time I am missing my son so much. And I know that this is okay. I can't expect too much out of myself right now...that is just too unrealistic. I was not able to help put up any Christmas decorations. I am so thankful for my husband who understands me and he took care of all the decorating. One tradition that we have is that I set up our Dicken's villages each year. I started collecting these about 10 years ago when my grandma gave me my first one. Then, when my grandma passed away almost 2 years ago, she wanted me to have some of hers. My husband got these down from the attic and all it took was one look and I broke down. I just had to check out for a while. And that is okay. I am just surviving right now and trying to get through the holidays. I know that next year will be easier and I am hopeful for that.

But, in the midst of all of this, I do realize how much I am thankful for. Most of all, I am thankful for my God. I am thankful for His sovereignty. I am thankful that He is in control and I am not. I am thankful for His love and grace and mercy. I am thankful everytime He reveals Himself to my family and myself. God I love you so much. Thank you for your unbelievable love and for giving us peace especially in our lowest times. I am also thankful for my family. They have been my rock during all of this. Thank you for letting me be sad but for also rejoicing with me when we see God's work so evident in our lives. I am thankful for my children who give me so much joy. I am thankful for just this morning when my 3 year-old said, "You know mom, God is easy to find because He is everywhere." Gosh, did I ever need to hear that at that particular time. I am also thankful for my church family and friends. You have truly been God's hands and feet. Thank you for allowing God to use you to provide healing for us. Thank you for listening to me and just allowing me to talk things through. I know you have probably heard the same story over and over, but you sit and listen like it is the first time you have heard it. I am thankful for our small group study and the amazing couples that were a part of it. Thank you for allowing me to be so transparent and for your amazing love. And, I am also thankful for the opportunity to share the dance to "There Will Be a Day" at church. This is a dance that God placed on my heart and it was my gift to Landon and was also a big part of my healing.

Above all, I am thankful for everyone's prayers. They have been so powerful and evident during our healing. As Christmas approaches, I do know that it will be a difficult time. But, I know this time will be covered in prayer. And for that, I am truly thankful.

I love you all so much,
Michelle

What a MarValous time we had!

2009-11-10T13:04:00.000-08:00

Ok, so I'm finally posting pictures of our recent camping trip. We went to MarVal resort which is located in Gore, Ok. We had such a fun time! This was our first camping trip as a family. It's still considered camping even when you're staying in a cabin, right? :) Jennifer Daley did such an amazing job putting all of this together. I hope this is something that we will all get to do together every fall.

Here are some of the pics of our fun weekend!

The kiddos had so much fun on the playground that was there at the camp

Having fun in the huge, open field behind our cabin - it was beautiful!

Logan and Andrew taking a rest while waiting for the hayride

What a cute picture of Caitlin and Quinn by the pumpkins!

Such a sweet picture of Jen and Hannah :)

Clay, Quinn and Addie having fun with all the art activities

The kids even got to play putt-putt!

The hayride to the field where the kiddos got to plant their pumpkin seeds!

The kids got to plant their pumpkin seeds that magically turned into pumpkins 1-2 hrs later :)

Aww....now aren't we cute? :)

Jen and Katch having fun on the bikes while we waited for our pumpkins to grow :)

So cute!! Quite a few people thought Avery was Sarah's baby! Avery just loves Miss Sarah!

The kiddos took a hayride back to the pumpkin patch to find their pumpkins

The hayride back to camp with pumpkins in tow!

Then, the kids got to paint their pumpkins when we got back to camp

Katch, Logan, Addison and Avery gearing up for going trick-or-treating from cabin to cabin

Addison, Logan and Madeline having fun getting candy!

Our cute little Avery dressed up as a strawberry for her 1st Halloween

Katch and Avery having fun at the cabin

Well, this was just a little sample of the fun we had at MarVal. We also had a great time getting to eat together as a big group around the campfire. It doesn't get any better than hamburgers, hot dogs, and of course.....smores. :) Looking forward to next year!

Love to all,

Michelle

What a MarValous time we had!

2009-11-10T12:49:00.000-08:00

Ok, I'm finally getting our pictures up from our recent camping trip to MarVal which is located in Gore, OK. We had such a great time! This was our first time as a family to go camping. It's still ok to call it camping when you're in a cabin, right? :) Jennifer Daley did an amazing job at putting this all together. I hope this is something that we will all get to do together every year in the fall.

Here are some of the pics of our fun weekend:

So many mixed feelings

2009-10-25T17:06:00.000-07:00

I just have so many thoughts running around in my head right now. Overall, October has been a very hard month. I really don't know why. We had so many days of clouds and rain. The sky finally cleared up and we had some nice sunny days.....thank God. I think I am just scared of what lies ahead. We have so many holidays coming up. I am just having a hard time figuring out how to feel. I want to feel happy and excited about what we will get to do as a family. But, my heart just aches and longs for Landon so much. I am so thankful that we have Avery and she nurtures my soul so much....but at the same time I miss my son. It is so hard going back and forth like this. Some days I can get through okay and other days the grief is so suffocating. Oh God, please continue to give me and my family peace. It has been amazing to see what You have done for us.....please continue to be close to us.

Tonight Channel 8 will have a story about infant loss. October is National Awareness month for infant loss. We got a call not too long ago from the amazing people that took Landon's pictures. They called to see if it would be ok for Channel 8 to show some of Landon's pictures. At first I felt numb. So surreal. Was I really getting this call? Did this really happen to me? I just want him to be here with us.....I don't want to get a call like this! I was so mad. I broke down and sobbed. I asked God why? Why did this have to happen? I don't understand. I went outside and took a long walk....just needed to talk to God for a while. First of all, I saw so many butterflies. I can't tell you how many butterflies I have seen since we lost Landon. Then, I started thinking. This is one thing that we can do for Landon. To have his pictures as part of this story on the news. Maybe someone needs to see this.....maybe it will help someone else. That is my prayer. I hope that someone is touched by this and that it will reach out to someone that might be going through the same thing. I brought this up at the last MEND meeting. This is the support group I go to that is for families that have lost babies. I am so thankful to God for this group. I have missed it a couple of times because we have been out of town, but it was so good to go back. I just wish it was more than once a month. I haven't known the other ladies in this group very long, but when you have shared a similar situation like this, they "get" you....they understand exactly how you feel. It just helps to know that your are not alone in this journey. I am so thankful for them.

I have been wanting to share these pictures for quite a while now and I am just able to do this. Many of you know about the flower garden we planted for Landon. The flowers have been so beautiful. I took some of his flowers to go place them on his marker several weeks ago. I also wanted to get some pictures of Avery at Landon's marker. My wonderful friend, Sarah, went with me and helped. I'm so glad she was there. I knew this was going to be hard but it is just one of those things that I have to do. I know I couldn't have done this several months ago. You just don't know what you are going to do until you are "in it" and experiencing it at that time. But I do know that God is "in it" with you every step of the way.

I just wish there was more I could do for Landon. I write to him all the time and journal about what we are doing as a family and what Avery is doing. I have started this blog for Landon which is something else I can do for him and it helps me so much. Landon, I love you so much. I still get to "hold you" in my heart. I still feel so close to you. You will always be there.

This next picture reminds me that Avery is our gift from God. This picture also reminds me of God's promises. "Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. " Romans 5:1-4.

"The Lord is faithful to all his promises and loving toward all he has made." Ps 145:13

I also believe with all my heart that, "He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." Phil 1:6. God will complete what he starts. His work may seem unfair, it may even be painful, it may involve changes that cause you to question His goodness. But, He knows what is necessary. And He will do it. And I trust Him and love Him with all my heart.

We have found our "pot of gold" at the end of the rainbow :)

I also want to use this blog to share about what we are getting to do as a family. Once again, I am trying so hard to continue to make memories and to get to experience new things with my family. We just got back from an amazing camping trip with some wonderful friends from church. We went to a place called Marval. I don't have any pictures ready yet, but those will come on the next blog post! We had so much fun! The kids got to go on a hayride and plant pumpkin seeds and then a couple of hours later, they got to go back to the pumpkin patch and pick their pumpkins. They loved it! We had a campfire and cooked hamburgers and hot dogs and of course....smores! Our kids also got to put on their costumes and go trick-or-treating to all the cabins. It was such a fun weekend. It just went by too fast. I just want to thank you all again for continuing to pray for us and for being there for us in so many ways.

I do want to take this time to say thank you. Thank you for being so patient with me as I continue on with this unpredictable journey of grief. Some days it is easy for me to open up and share....and this is what helps me so much. Don't be afraid to ask me how I'm doing or how I am feeling. This does help. I may have a lot to say one day and not so much another. But, just know that I love you and am so glad you're part of my life. I couldn't imagine it any other way.

Bless you and love you all,

Michelle

Freshman girls devotional #1

2009-10-14T15:07:00.000-07:00

New Friend Request: Session 1 Devotional
NO CLONES
By Tim Walker
If you’re anything like me, I usually walk into a room of strangers and start looking for the people who look like me. Okay, not exactly like me—I’m not that vain. But I tend to find people who seem to dress similar to me, who are around my same age, who seem to be a “similar status” as me. But the ironic thing is that most of the time, once I start a conversation with those people; I’m bored out of my mind. Or the conversation just is strained, awkward, and we’re done talking after about a minute.
It’s “comfortable” to seek out people who are like me, but if I’m honest with myself, most of the people who are closest to me are nothing like me. And that’s a good thing. King Solomon was the wisest man—ever. He wrote things like: “He who walks with the wise grows wise, but a companion of fools suffers harm” (Proverbs 13:20 NIV). And from his son Rehoboam’s decisions, one just might think he wasn’t listening to his dad’s advice.
Then King Rehoboam consulted the elders who had served his father Solomon during his lifetime. “How would you advise me to answer these people?” he asked.
They replied, “If today you will be a servant to these people and serve them and give them a favorable answer, they will always be your servants.”
But Rehoboam rejected the advice the elders gave him and consulted the young men who had grown up with him and were serving him. He asked them, “What is your advice? How should we answer these people who say to me, ‘Lighten the yoke your father put on us’?”
The young men who had grown up with him replied, “Tell these people who have said to you, ‘Your father put a heavy yoke on us, but make our yoke lighter’—tell them, ‘My little finger is thicker than my father’s waist. My father laid on you a heavy yoke; I will make it even heavier. My father scourged you with whips; I will scourge you with scorpions.’”
Three days later Jeroboam and all the people returned to Rehoboam, as the king had said, “Come back to me in three days.”
The king answered the people harshly. Rejecting the advice given him by the elders, he followed the advice of the young men and said, “My father made your yoke heavy; I will make it even heavier. My father scourged you with whips; I will scourge you with scorpions.”
So the king did not listen to the people, for this turn of events was from the LORD, to fulfill the word the LORD had spoken to Jeroboam son of Nebat through Ahijah the Shilonite.
When all Israel saw that the king refused to listen to them, they answered the king: “What share do we have in David, what part in Jesse’s son? To your tents, O Israel! Look after your own house, O David!” So the Israelites went home (1 Kings 12:6-16 NIV).
Rehoboam chose to ignore the people who were different than him, in order to follow the advice of those who were just like him. And the advice of his friends, the ones he grew up, turned out to be very bad.
There are people in your life now, people who are so different from you, that you may be completely oblivious to because you have this picture of what your friends should look like, how they should dress, what kind of financial status they should have. And there may be someone in your life or someone you know who doesn’t fit any of those criteria, but could be someone who brings a different perspective, teaches you new things and even inspires you to be more like Christ.
When we don’t allow people into our lives who look and act differently than we do, we end up less. Too much time in the company of people exactly like you starts to affect you—just ask Rehoboam. It starts to make you think that if someone isn’t like you, than they aren’t good enough. We start to judge people and their worth based on how closely they resemble us, and we think that God is on board with it. But don’t be fooled—He’s not. God isn’t only like me. He isn’t only like you. And, God didn’t make a world full of clones. But when we begin to act like we, and people like us, are the only people worth investing in, we start to shrink God. We start to undermine His creativity and the pleasure He finds in the diversity among us. God is much bigger than that. And He wants us to be bigger than our sometimes narrow view of other people.
There is one thing in common you definitely want in a good friend—you want to have people close to you who have an active relationship with Jesus Christ. People who love Him, not only with their words, but with their lives. But their interests, their perspectives can be completely different than yours.
The world is much bigger than us. It is much bigger than people like us. Do you believe that there is more to you and more to me than just who we already are right now? What if there was this incredible untapped potential to become so much bigger than we even thought possible if we just began to entertain this idea that there are people out there who are going to shake our lives up, maybe push our buttons every once in awhile, but who will expand our world in ways we could never do on our own?
What if someone different from you wasn’t bad, but was just what you needed to become the person God has in mind? Would you choose them, pick them, accept them as friends as different as they be from you—even if no one around you, including yourself, understood “why them”?

**I would love to hear your thoughts about this devotional if you would like to share. You can post a comment and I will get back with you. :) Don't feel like you have to share, but it is open if you would like. Also, if any of you has a prayer request, you can post that as well if you would like and that way I will know how to pray for you. Let me know about answered prayers too! I love each and every one of you girls. **

So many firsts!!!

2009-08-30T12:33:00.000-07:00

Our family has been busy experiencing so many fun firsts lately! First of all, Logan has started first grade! We can't believe it. He is really enjoying school and loves riding the bus to and from school. Mommy was a little nervous at first about the bus thing, but one of his best friends has the same bus stop and they get to sit by each other everyday. Here are some pictures of his first day of first grade:

Addison had so much fun at her first ballet and tap dance classes. She is taking at the same dance studio that I took from! Here she is just loving her new dance bag!

This is Addison after her first class. She was so excited! This was the only picture I managed to get because she was so excited she couldn't stand still.

Even when we made it home, she was still all smiles. She left her dance clothes and tap shoes on for dinner and most of that evening!

We just can't believe that Avery is already 6 months old! She tried cereal for the first time yesterday. She wasn't too sure what to think about it, but she did pretty good for her first time.

I have to share this adorable picture of Avery. She really loves her swing outside now! We have been spending a lot of time outside with this beautiful weather we have been having. Her smile just warms my heart and soul.

I also wanted to share some pictures of the flower garden that we planted for Landon. It is just beautiful. We have never seen flowers grow like this in our yard before. The flowers are attracting beautiful monarch butterflies. Landon, these flowers are for you. We love you so much sweetie. You live in our hearts forever. I am so thankful and hopeful that I will get to see you and hold you again. I'm forever your mommy.

Our 10 Year Anniversary trip to Tahoe!

2009-08-19T12:38:00.000-07:00

Wow....Ryan and I had such a wonderful time on our trip to Lake Tahoe for our 10 year anniversary!! We were very blessed to have Ryan's mom, Cheryl, to fly in and stay with the kiddos while we were away for 5 days. We were planning on doing a lot of relaxing on this trip, but we ended up doing so much! One thing we did a lot of was hiking. The weather was a beautiful 80 degrees almost the entire time we were there with clear skies everyday. One of our hiking trips led to a gorgeous private beach. It took a while to get there, but it was worth it!

Another stop that we found on this hike was "Prey Meadows." It was just beautiful. It reminded me of the meadow on the movie, Bambi. :) God's creation just could not get any prettier.

Then, the dreaded hike back up the mountain....yikes!!! Boy was that hard. Ryan was so sweet to find us both walking sticks that made hiking up the hills so much easier. We finally made it to the top and this was one of the amazing views that we saw.

Ok, so now we are extremely tired from all of that hiking.....it's time for some relaxing by the pool. We stayed at the Hyatt and our hotel had an amazing pool and also a private beach area by the lake.

One night we took a walk along the beach and saw the most beautiful sunset ever! This picture does not do it justice, but we did the best we could! While we were on this trip, I kept thinking how this was a trip for just Ryan, myself, and Landon. Even though he is not physically with us, he is always in our heart. I found myself talking to Landon a lot when we were there.....telling him all of the things we were doing and asking him about what he is getting to experience in heaven. The beautiful mountains and amazing sunsets made me think about what heaven will be like. So I thought, wow, this might be what Landon is experiencing and that made me feel so close to him.

Ok, so we did a lot of hiking. :) This is a picture of us on another trail. Hiking was such a great way to get a lot of really neat pictures. Thank goodness we had a hot tub. We definitely needed it after the miles of hiking!

This is one of my favorite pictures. Just looks like a postcard! This picture pretty much sums up Lake Tahoe. The beautiful trees, mountains and water were so picturesque.

On our way to Tahoe, we stayed one night in Reno since that is where we flew into. We stayed at the Grand Sierra Resort. It was a lot of fun. Ryan got to play blackjack and I got to watch. I'm not too good at that kind of thing! :)

Well, that was our amazing trip to Tahoe. I'm so glad we got the chance to get away for a little while to celebrate our 10 year anniversarry. I just can't believe we have been married for 10 years already. We have been through a lot together and I just can't imagine my life without my amazing husband.

How God continues to reveal Himself to us

2009-08-09T11:31:00.000-07:00

Wow, I am just amazed at how God continues to reveal Himself to us in so many ways. I know it has been a while since my last blog post, but so much has happened. I passed two kidney stones a couple of weeks ago. It was the worst pain I have ever experienced in my life! They say that it is more painful than labor and it is! During this time I was really struggling with why this was happening. My heart is still healing from losing Landon just 5 1/2 months ago and here I am enduring the worst physical pain in my life. Just didn't quite understand. I got on my knees and prayed to God to reveal Himself to me in some way. I was amazed at how many people in the next day or two sent me emails, texts....etc just to say that I was on their mind and they were praying for me. One friend even said she wasn't sure what was going on but I was heavy on her heart and that she had been praying. This same thing has happened to both me and Ryan so much these past months. The one I will never forget happened just about 3 weeks after we lost Landon. We met with our doctor and he told us that the only thing they knew was that we lost Landon because of fetal-maternal hemorrhage. At that point, they didn't know why this happened. I was just lost. I didn't know how to act, feel, think, or do. I remember being up around 4 o'clock in the morning, nursing Avery (Landon's twin sister), and just crying out to God. I'm surprised I didn't wake up everybody. I cried out for God to reveal Himself and to let us know that He is near to us.....in any way that He could. After that, I got into bed around 5 o'clock in the morning and I woke up Ryan. I talked to him about how I needed to know more about what went wrong with Landon. At that moment I thought about a dear friend of mine that is also a doctor. I told Ryan that maybe I would call him the next day to see if he knew anything about fetal-maternal hemorrhage. Ryan and I immediately started to pray and then we went back to sleep. At about 10 o'clock later that morning, that same friend called the house to see if I needed to talk about anything. It was just amazing. Another way of how God wants us to know that He is always there and he hears our cries and our prayers.

So much catching up to do

2009-07-15T09:12:00.000-07:00

Ok, I hope that last entry wasn't too heavy. We have come such a long way these past 4 1/2 months. If it wasn't for our faith, our family and friends, I don't know how we would be getting through this. We finally found out on what happened as to why we lost Landon. It is called fetal-maternal hemorrhage. I had never heard about this. We met with a specialist that said that the vessels within the placenta did not form right. It has been such a journey because we didn't know anything for about 3-4 weeks. God has been so close to our family it has been just amazing. He has revealed Himself to us in so many ways. I would love to share about those at some point in this blog.

To try to catch up, here are some pictures of our Fourth of July.

We had a great time. Like all the holidays and birthdays that we have had so far, they have been pretty hard. When I was pregnant with the twins, I had so many dreams of what life would be like with twins. I had thought about how cute it would be to get matching outfits for the fourth of July. When I was dressing Avery in her outfit all I could do was cry because I thought I should be dressing both of them in their matching outfits. But, I know we have so much to be thankful for. God has been so good to us and He has shown His love to us in so many ways it has been incredible.

I'm finally blogging!

2009-07-13T13:52:00.000-07:00

Well, here I am. Finally blogging! After my husband read a 7 page entry out of my journal the other day, he said, "honey...you should start a blog." I have thought about it for a while now and I am finally giving in! :)

So, let me start fresh. My name is Michelle. My wonderful husband, Ryan, and I will celebrate our 10 year anniversarry this August! We have 4 amazing children. Logan, our oldest, just turned 6 years old and he is about to start the 1st grade! Yikes! I can't believe it! He is very sweet and will probably be an engineer just like his daddy. Addison just turned 3 and she is our adventurous one. She has no fear and is extremely outgoing. Avery is 4 1/2 months old and can not get any cuter! She is starting to laugh and made cute noises and seems to smile all the time. Landon is Avery's twin brother and he is in heaven with our Lord. I wanted to start this blog as a tribute to Landon. He was with us for a short time, but his life has impacted our life forever. Landon will never be forgotten and we love him with all our heart.

It has taken me quite some time to get to this point. I want to be able to share all that has happened with us these past few months. So...I have some catching up to do.

I found out I was pregnant with twins last summer. My husband and I were so excited...a little nervous, but overall very excited. We found out that we were expecting a boy and a girl! It couldn't get any better.....two boys and two girls! Out family would be complete. For the most part, my pregnancy was completely flawless. I have always been blessed to one, get pregant fairly easy (my husband calls me "fertile Myrtle") and two, have very normal pregnancies to full term. So, the pregnancy with the twins was going on completely normal and with no complications. My husband and I went to my 34th week check up (I was going to the doctor weekly now for a while) and everything checked out perfect. The doctor said for us to return next week. So, the following week was very uneventful. I had pretty much put myself on bed rest. I had no medical reason to be on bed rest other than I was getting so huge and I was so blessed to have my mother-in-law living with us at the time to wait on us hand and foot. The only place I was going at this time was to church. My husband and I help out with the youth group and we just love it. We went that Wednesday evening and as I was sitting there listening to the praise and worship music, I could feel the babies kicking all around like they were enjoying the music too. :) I remember thinking how excited I was to go my doctor's visit the next day to possibly set up an induction date or to schedule a c-section....whatever deemed medically necessary per my OB doc. I woke up the next morning and got myself ready for my doctor's appointment. As I was waiting in the waiting room, I remember feeling hiccups coming from my daughter's (Avery) side. At that point I wasn't feeling any movement coming from Landon. I started to gently nudge my belly to see if he would respond....nothing. I started to panic and then I realized that I was at the doctor's office and I was so thankful for that timing.....I knew I would be getting an ultrasound to make sure everything was okay. I immediately started praying and my name was called to go back. I told my doctor that I wasn't feeling any movememt coming from Landon and I was extremely concerned and scared. He did an ultrasound and saw that Avery was okay.....thank God. He then went over to my right side to check on Landon and there was silence. I was not hearing a heart beat like I was so used to hearing at all of my other visitis. My doctor froze as he looked at the screen. He then gently took my hand and told me that we lost Landon. I thought I was going to pass out. I immediately lost it and my doctor held me in his arms and we cried together. My life had completely turned upside-down.