So many mixed feelings

I just have so many thoughts running around in my head right now. Overall, October has been a very hard month. I really don't know why. We had so many days of clouds and rain. The sky finally cleared up and we had some nice sunny days.....thank God. I think I am just scared of what lies ahead. We have so many holidays coming up. I am just having a hard time figuring out how to feel. I want to feel happy and excited about what we will get to do as a family. But, my heart just aches and longs for Landon so much. I am so thankful that we have Avery and she nurtures my soul so much....but at the same time I miss my son. It is so hard going back and forth like this. Some days I can get through okay and other days the grief is so suffocating. Oh God, please continue to give me and my family peace. It has been amazing to see what You have done for us.....please continue to be close to us.

Tonight Channel 8 will have a story about infant loss. October is National Awareness month for infant loss. We got a call not too long ago from the amazing people that took Landon's pictures. They called to see if it would be ok for Channel 8 to show some of Landon's pictures. At first I felt numb. So surreal. Was I really getting this call? Did this really happen to me? I just want him to be here with us.....I don't want to get a call like this! I was so mad. I broke down and sobbed. I asked God why? Why did this have to happen? I don't understand. I went outside and took a long walk....just needed to talk to God for a while. First of all, I saw so many butterflies. I can't tell you how many butterflies I have seen since we lost Landon. Then, I started thinking. This is one thing that we can do for Landon. To have his pictures as part of this story on the news. Maybe someone needs to see this.....maybe it will help someone else. That is my prayer. I hope that someone is touched by this and that it will reach out to someone that might be going through the same thing. I brought this up at the last MEND meeting. This is the support group I go to that is for families that have lost babies. I am so thankful to God for this group. I have missed it a couple of times because we have been out of town, but it was so good to go back. I just wish it was more than once a month. I haven't known the other ladies in this group very long, but when you have shared a similar situation like this, they "get" you....they understand exactly how you feel. It just helps to know that your are not alone in this journey. I am so thankful for them.

I have been wanting to share these pictures for quite a while now and I am just able to do this. Many of you know about the flower garden we planted for Landon. The flowers have been so beautiful. I took some of his flowers to go place them on his marker several weeks ago. I also wanted to get some pictures of Avery at Landon's marker. My wonderful friend, Sarah, went with me and helped. I'm so glad she was there. I knew this was going to be hard but it is just one of those things that I have to do. I know I couldn't have done this several months ago. You just don't know what you are going to do until you are "in it" and experiencing it at that time. But I do know that God is "in it" with you every step of the way.

I just wish there was more I could do for Landon. I write to him all the time and journal about what we are doing as a family and what Avery is doing. I have started this blog for Landon which is something else I can do for him and it helps me so much. Landon, I love you so much. I still get to "hold you" in my heart. I still feel so close to you. You will always be there.

This next picture reminds me that Avery is our gift from God. This picture also reminds me of God's promises. "Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. " Romans 5:1-4.


"The Lord is faithful to all his promises and loving toward all he has made." Ps 145:13

I also believe with all my heart that, "He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." Phil 1:6. God will complete what he starts. His work may seem unfair, it may even be painful, it may involve changes that cause you to question His goodness. But, He knows what is necessary. And He will do it. And I trust Him and love Him with all my heart.

We have found our "pot of gold" at the end of the rainbow :)

I also want to use this blog to share about what we are getting to do as a family. Once again, I am trying so hard to continue to make memories and to get to experience new things with my family. We just got back from an amazing camping trip with some wonderful friends from church. We went to a place called Marval. I don't have any pictures ready yet, but those will come on the next blog post! We had so much fun! The kids got to go on a hayride and plant pumpkin seeds and then a couple of hours later, they got to go back to the pumpkin patch and pick their pumpkins. They loved it! We had a campfire and cooked hamburgers and hot dogs and of course....smores! Our kids also got to put on their costumes and go trick-or-treating to all the cabins. It was such a fun weekend. It just went by too fast. I just want to thank you all again for continuing to pray for us and for being there for us in so many ways.

I do want to take this time to say thank you. Thank you for being so patient with me as I continue on with this unpredictable journey of grief. Some days it is easy for me to open up and share....and this is what helps me so much. Don't be afraid to ask me how I'm doing or how I am feeling. This does help. I may have a lot to say one day and not so much another. But, just know that I love you and am so glad you're part of my life. I couldn't imagine it any other way.

Bless you and love you all,

Michelle