Christmas 20009 - Part 2

So, continuing on with our Christmas. First of all, Ryan and I were so amazed to see how much snow was falling on Christmas Eve. I know this may sound a bit silly, but for me the snowfall brought a huge amount of peace. Just to know that we were going to have a white Christmas when we woke up Christmas morning. Wow. God certainly takes care of every detail. I can't remember the last time we had a white Christmas....and one being sooooo white! God, thank you! Your love is amazing!!!! One thing that has helped us is to do different things....making new traditions. The white Christmas for us was something different. It was something that we were not use to seeing year after year. Hope that all makes sense!

We had a great time playing outside in the snow. We built a huge snow fort and had snowball fights and we built a snowman. During all of this, I was thinking, "God, I wish so much that Landon was here with us." But, you know, Landon is not missing out on anything. What he is getting to experience is beyond what we can imagine, right now. He is in perfect paradise with our Lord and Saviour. As the Lord was speaking this to me, I had another thought. I immediately got down onto my back and looking up into the heavens, I spread my arms and legs out and in and made a snow angel for Landon. It was a way for me to feel close to my son.

It was also nice being "snowed in." It took the pressure off of having to be anywhere at any certain time. We just got to hang out as a family and spend time together. We stayed in most of Christmas Eve and had so much fun making cookies for Santa.

After our cookies were all made, we placed them by the fireplace along with some carrots for the reindeer. Can't forget those reindeer. :) We all sat together on the couch and daddy read "The Night Before Christmas."

I had mentioned before, in another post, that we had gotten Landon a small, live tree and placed a strand of blue lights on it along with his ornaments. Here are some more pictures of Landon's Christmas tree along with some close-up pictures of his ornaments. We used some of the pictures that our wonderful Miss Sarah took for our Christmas card.

It was so wonderful to wake up to a very white Christmas. Logan and Addison ran into the living room to see what Santa had brought them. Avery woke up to her first Christmas looking so cute!!

Here are some pictures of the kiddos opening their gifts

Later that day, we drove out to my mom and stepdad's house to celebrate Christmas with them. Logan, Addison and Avery had a fun time getting to open gifts with their cousins. The next day we were off to celebrate Christmas with my dad and stepmom at my aunt and uncle's house. The kids had a blast getting to sled down a hill close to their house!

After we left my aunt and uncle's house, we drove out to Floral Haven to place some Christmas flowers and other items on Landon's marker. Still to this day, it seems so surreal every time we go out there. Then, when we are there, a peace always seems to wash over me completely.

We placed some flowers in his vase and wrapped a "Baby's First Christmas" bib around the bottom of the vase. Logan brought a sleigh bell that he received in school when they had their Polar Express Day. Addison colored a page out of her coloring book and placed it in Landon's stocking that we layed down next to his marker. We all knelt down around his marker and prayed. As we prayed I heard the Lord speak, "Be still, and know that I am God."

Christmas 2009 - part one

Ok, this will probably be one of the hardest posts I have done. I have been wanting to blog about our first Christmas with our beautiful daughter Avery and also our first Christmas without our sweet son, Landon. I have attempted many times to sit here and share my thoughts and feelings, but it has been too painful to even do that. I know how much blogging and sharing my thoughts has helped me in the past....so I continue to try.

I will be honest with you. I was really not looking forward to Christmas. I was excited because this was Avery's first Christmas and all the memories and what not. But, how was I going to get through this? I couldn't even go Christmas shopping. All it took was one look at all the Christmas decorations, toys....etc and I would start to cry and have to leave the store. So, I figured out very quickly that this was not going to work. Therefore, I did most of my Christmas shopping online. Thank goodness for modern technology! :)

I don't know what I would do without my husband. Ryan fully understands my heart and he knew how painful Christmas was going to be. Christmas was very hard for Ryan too, but as we all know, men and women just grieve differently. Ryan took care of all the Christmas decorations. I tried to help, but I just couldn't. So, I didn't. For Ryan, it helps him to be busy. When I am overwhelmed with grief...I just check out. That just happens to be our coping mechanisms right now.

One thing that I had to do was order Avery and Landon's Christmas stockings. I wanted all 4 of them hung on our mantle. I could not imagine not having one for Landon. This just did not feel right. So, I got online and ordered their stockings from the same place that I ordered Logan and Addisons years ago. I put them up and it felt good (right) to have them all hung up. It helps me so much to be able to do things for him. He is my son. He will always be. He just isn't here with us on this earth, but we will be with him for eternity in Heaven.....someday.

So, I just continued on trying to figure out how I am going to get through Christmas. After a lot of prayer and spending time talking to the Lord, I thought of something we could for Landon. We got him a small live Christmas tree and placed his ornaments on the tree. One of the ornaments was from a Christmas service that we went to at St. Francis hospital. They have a service every year around Christmas for families that have lost babies. I am so glad we went to this service. It was something we did just for Landon. My whole family came and two of my dear friends. I had written a poem to read that night. I wanted so badly to be able to read the poem at the service, but I just couldn't stop crying sitting there in my seat. There was an auditorium full of people and I was just not ready. So, I have decided to put it on my blog:

A Poem for Landon....from your mommy

I dreamed of you, Landon, before you even began to form

I earnestly looked forward to the day that you were born.

I cherished every second that you were a part of me

So nice and warm and safe next to your twin sister Avery.

We looked forward to your arrival with great anticipation and joy

So blessed to be pregnant with twins....one girl and one boy....

The Lord took you home this past February, on the day your sister was born

So many days of mixed feelings - times to be happy and times to mourn.

Our love for you, Landon, grows stronger and stronger with every passing day

We know that we will be with you forever in Heaven...we just know that this is the only way.

Writing this poem has also helped with my healing too. There is a lot more to come about our first Christmas. The next post will be coming soon.

I just want to thank you all again for your faithful prayers and amazing friendship. You all mean the world to me!

Love you,
Michelle

Pictures of Thanksgiving, milestones and gingerbread houses :)

Ryan and I are continuing to start new traditions. We have found that this has been very helpful during our healing. So, as a result.....we had Thanksgiving at our house for the first time! We were excited to host Thanksgiving. Ryan's parents were in town for the holiday and they helped with all of the preparations. My mom and stepdad and most of my siblings were there and everyone pitched in. A new tradition that we have started is to go to a movie together as a family on Thanksgiving evening. We all went to see "A Christmas Carol." The kids just loved it....especially since they got to wear the cool 3-D glasses! The next day, we went to my aunt and uncle's house, here in Tulsa, where we celebrated another Thanksgiving dinner with my dad and stepmom and my siblings. It was so nice to be around family during this time. Here are a few pics of our holiday.

Avery's first Thanksgiving :)

Papa, Logan and Addison enjoying their Thanksgiving dinner

Family picture - Thanksgiving 2009

Mommy and Avery

Cute little Avery :)

After our thanksgiving dinner together, we went out to decorate Landon's marker with a beautiful bouquet of flowers and a thanksgiving bib that we wrapped around the bottom of the vase. I can only imagine the type of celebration that Landon got to experience on his first Thanksgiving with our Lord and Saviour in heaven.

Well, let's talk about some of Avery's milestones. You all would just not believe how much Avery is changing before our eyes! She is growing so fast and is doing so many new things. She has been such a blessing and we are so thankful for her. She now has 4 teeth....two top and two bottom. This just makes her smile even cuter! So now she gets to enjoy those yummy biter biscuits! :)

Hmmm...let's see. Do I like this?

Ahhh yes....this is great! Finally, I get to chew something!!! :)

Avery is also starting to crawl! It is just so cute to see her little body crawling around everywhere! And boy, does she like the fact that she is now mobile. It is so cute to see her try to keep up with Logan and Addison.

We also had a lot of fun making our very first gingerbread house! Logan and Addison were eating the candy faster than daddy was trying to put it on the house!

Logan and Addison were very proud of their creation! This will definitely be something we will continue to do each Christmas!

Thankfulness

I don't even know where to begin. So many thoughts and feelings right now it is so overwhelming. Our family just got through our first Thanksgiving without our son, Landon. I knew the holidays were going to be rough, but you just don't really know how hard it will be until it's right there staring at you in the face. It is so hard to continue traditions that you are used to doing when there is someone not there to share it. When I was pregnant, I had so many thoughts and dreams about how our life would be with twins. I remember thinking that they would both be in high chairs eating baby food by the time we celebrated Thanksgiving. I envisioned what our table would look like with our family all around and two high chairs by the table. I am trying so hard to be thankful for what I have, but at the same time I am missing my son so much. And I know that this is okay. I can't expect too much out of myself right now...that is just too unrealistic. I was not able to help put up any Christmas decorations. I am so thankful for my husband who understands me and he took care of all the decorating. One tradition that we have is that I set up our Dicken's villages each year. I started collecting these about 10 years ago when my grandma gave me my first one. Then, when my grandma passed away almost 2 years ago, she wanted me to have some of hers. My husband got these down from the attic and all it took was one look and I broke down. I just had to check out for a while. And that is okay. I am just surviving right now and trying to get through the holidays. I know that next year will be easier and I am hopeful for that.

But, in the midst of all of this, I do realize how much I am thankful for. Most of all, I am thankful for my God. I am thankful for His sovereignty. I am thankful that He is in control and I am not. I am thankful for His love and grace and mercy. I am thankful everytime He reveals Himself to my family and myself. God I love you so much. Thank you for your unbelievable love and for giving us peace especially in our lowest times. I am also thankful for my family. They have been my rock during all of this. Thank you for letting me be sad but for also rejoicing with me when we see God's work so evident in our lives. I am thankful for my children who give me so much joy. I am thankful for just this morning when my 3 year-old said, "You know mom, God is easy to find because He is everywhere." Gosh, did I ever need to hear that at that particular time. I am also thankful for my church family and friends. You have truly been God's hands and feet. Thank you for allowing God to use you to provide healing for us. Thank you for listening to me and just allowing me to talk things through. I know you have probably heard the same story over and over, but you sit and listen like it is the first time you have heard it. I am thankful for our small group study and the amazing couples that were a part of it. Thank you for allowing me to be so transparent and for your amazing love. And, I am also thankful for the opportunity to share the dance to "There Will Be a Day" at church. This is a dance that God placed on my heart and it was my gift to Landon and was also a big part of my healing.

Above all, I am thankful for everyone's prayers. They have been so powerful and evident during our healing. As Christmas approaches, I do know that it will be a difficult time. But, I know this time will be covered in prayer. And for that, I am truly thankful.

I love you all so much,
Michelle

What a MarValous time we had!

Ok, so I'm finally posting pictures of our recent camping trip. We went to MarVal resort which is located in Gore, Ok. We had such a fun time! This was our first camping trip as a family. It's still considered camping even when you're staying in a cabin, right? :) Jennifer Daley did such an amazing job putting all of this together. I hope this is something that we will all get to do together every fall.

Here are some of the pics of our fun weekend!

The kiddos had so much fun on the playground that was there at the camp

Having fun in the huge, open field behind our cabin - it was beautiful!

Logan and Andrew taking a rest while waiting for the hayride

What a cute picture of Caitlin and Quinn by the pumpkins!

Such a sweet picture of Jen and Hannah :)

Clay, Quinn and Addie having fun with all the art activities

The kids even got to play putt-putt!

The hayride to the field where the kiddos got to plant their pumpkin seeds!

The kids got to plant their pumpkin seeds that magically turned into pumpkins 1-2 hrs later :)

Aww....now aren't we cute? :)

Jen and Katch having fun on the bikes while we waited for our pumpkins to grow :)

So cute!! Quite a few people thought Avery was Sarah's baby! Avery just loves Miss Sarah!

The kiddos took a hayride back to the pumpkin patch to find their pumpkins

The hayride back to camp with pumpkins in tow!

Then, the kids got to paint their pumpkins when we got back to camp

Katch, Logan, Addison and Avery gearing up for going trick-or-treating from cabin to cabin

Addison, Logan and Madeline having fun getting candy!

Our cute little Avery dressed up as a strawberry for her 1st Halloween

Katch and Avery having fun at the cabin

Well, this was just a little sample of the fun we had at MarVal. We also had a great time getting to eat together as a big group around the campfire. It doesn't get any better than hamburgers, hot dogs, and of course.....smores. :) Looking forward to next year!

Love to all,

Michelle

What a MarValous time we had!

Ok, I'm finally getting our pictures up from our recent camping trip to MarVal which is located in Gore, OK. We had such a great time! This was our first time as a family to go camping. It's still ok to call it camping when you're in a cabin, right? :) Jennifer Daley did an amazing job at putting this all together. I hope this is something that we will all get to do together every year in the fall.

Here are some of the pics of our fun weekend:

So many mixed feelings

I just have so many thoughts running around in my head right now. Overall, October has been a very hard month. I really don't know why. We had so many days of clouds and rain. The sky finally cleared up and we had some nice sunny days.....thank God. I think I am just scared of what lies ahead. We have so many holidays coming up. I am just having a hard time figuring out how to feel. I want to feel happy and excited about what we will get to do as a family. But, my heart just aches and longs for Landon so much. I am so thankful that we have Avery and she nurtures my soul so much....but at the same time I miss my son. It is so hard going back and forth like this. Some days I can get through okay and other days the grief is so suffocating. Oh God, please continue to give me and my family peace. It has been amazing to see what You have done for us.....please continue to be close to us.

Tonight Channel 8 will have a story about infant loss. October is National Awareness month for infant loss. We got a call not too long ago from the amazing people that took Landon's pictures. They called to see if it would be ok for Channel 8 to show some of Landon's pictures. At first I felt numb. So surreal. Was I really getting this call? Did this really happen to me? I just want him to be here with us.....I don't want to get a call like this! I was so mad. I broke down and sobbed. I asked God why? Why did this have to happen? I don't understand. I went outside and took a long walk....just needed to talk to God for a while. First of all, I saw so many butterflies. I can't tell you how many butterflies I have seen since we lost Landon. Then, I started thinking. This is one thing that we can do for Landon. To have his pictures as part of this story on the news. Maybe someone needs to see this.....maybe it will help someone else. That is my prayer. I hope that someone is touched by this and that it will reach out to someone that might be going through the same thing. I brought this up at the last MEND meeting. This is the support group I go to that is for families that have lost babies. I am so thankful to God for this group. I have missed it a couple of times because we have been out of town, but it was so good to go back. I just wish it was more than once a month. I haven't known the other ladies in this group very long, but when you have shared a similar situation like this, they "get" you....they understand exactly how you feel. It just helps to know that your are not alone in this journey. I am so thankful for them.

I have been wanting to share these pictures for quite a while now and I am just able to do this. Many of you know about the flower garden we planted for Landon. The flowers have been so beautiful. I took some of his flowers to go place them on his marker several weeks ago. I also wanted to get some pictures of Avery at Landon's marker. My wonderful friend, Sarah, went with me and helped. I'm so glad she was there. I knew this was going to be hard but it is just one of those things that I have to do. I know I couldn't have done this several months ago. You just don't know what you are going to do until you are "in it" and experiencing it at that time. But I do know that God is "in it" with you every step of the way.

I just wish there was more I could do for Landon. I write to him all the time and journal about what we are doing as a family and what Avery is doing. I have started this blog for Landon which is something else I can do for him and it helps me so much. Landon, I love you so much. I still get to "hold you" in my heart. I still feel so close to you. You will always be there.

This next picture reminds me that Avery is our gift from God. This picture also reminds me of God's promises. "Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. " Romans 5:1-4.


"The Lord is faithful to all his promises and loving toward all he has made." Ps 145:13

I also believe with all my heart that, "He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." Phil 1:6. God will complete what he starts. His work may seem unfair, it may even be painful, it may involve changes that cause you to question His goodness. But, He knows what is necessary. And He will do it. And I trust Him and love Him with all my heart.

We have found our "pot of gold" at the end of the rainbow :)

I also want to use this blog to share about what we are getting to do as a family. Once again, I am trying so hard to continue to make memories and to get to experience new things with my family. We just got back from an amazing camping trip with some wonderful friends from church. We went to a place called Marval. I don't have any pictures ready yet, but those will come on the next blog post! We had so much fun! The kids got to go on a hayride and plant pumpkin seeds and then a couple of hours later, they got to go back to the pumpkin patch and pick their pumpkins. They loved it! We had a campfire and cooked hamburgers and hot dogs and of course....smores! Our kids also got to put on their costumes and go trick-or-treating to all the cabins. It was such a fun weekend. It just went by too fast. I just want to thank you all again for continuing to pray for us and for being there for us in so many ways.

I do want to take this time to say thank you. Thank you for being so patient with me as I continue on with this unpredictable journey of grief. Some days it is easy for me to open up and share....and this is what helps me so much. Don't be afraid to ask me how I'm doing or how I am feeling. This does help. I may have a lot to say one day and not so much another. But, just know that I love you and am so glad you're part of my life. I couldn't imagine it any other way.

Bless you and love you all,

Michelle