Thankfulness

I don't even know where to begin. So many thoughts and feelings right now it is so overwhelming. Our family just got through our first Thanksgiving without our son, Landon. I knew the holidays were going to be rough, but you just don't really know how hard it will be until it's right there staring at you in the face. It is so hard to continue traditions that you are used to doing when there is someone not there to share it. When I was pregnant, I had so many thoughts and dreams about how our life would be with twins. I remember thinking that they would both be in high chairs eating baby food by the time we celebrated Thanksgiving. I envisioned what our table would look like with our family all around and two high chairs by the table. I am trying so hard to be thankful for what I have, but at the same time I am missing my son so much. And I know that this is okay. I can't expect too much out of myself right now...that is just too unrealistic. I was not able to help put up any Christmas decorations. I am so thankful for my husband who understands me and he took care of all the decorating. One tradition that we have is that I set up our Dicken's villages each year. I started collecting these about 10 years ago when my grandma gave me my first one. Then, when my grandma passed away almost 2 years ago, she wanted me to have some of hers. My husband got these down from the attic and all it took was one look and I broke down. I just had to check out for a while. And that is okay. I am just surviving right now and trying to get through the holidays. I know that next year will be easier and I am hopeful for that.

But, in the midst of all of this, I do realize how much I am thankful for. Most of all, I am thankful for my God. I am thankful for His sovereignty. I am thankful that He is in control and I am not. I am thankful for His love and grace and mercy. I am thankful everytime He reveals Himself to my family and myself. God I love you so much. Thank you for your unbelievable love and for giving us peace especially in our lowest times. I am also thankful for my family. They have been my rock during all of this. Thank you for letting me be sad but for also rejoicing with me when we see God's work so evident in our lives. I am thankful for my children who give me so much joy. I am thankful for just this morning when my 3 year-old said, "You know mom, God is easy to find because He is everywhere." Gosh, did I ever need to hear that at that particular time. I am also thankful for my church family and friends. You have truly been God's hands and feet. Thank you for allowing God to use you to provide healing for us. Thank you for listening to me and just allowing me to talk things through. I know you have probably heard the same story over and over, but you sit and listen like it is the first time you have heard it. I am thankful for our small group study and the amazing couples that were a part of it. Thank you for allowing me to be so transparent and for your amazing love. And, I am also thankful for the opportunity to share the dance to "There Will Be a Day" at church. This is a dance that God placed on my heart and it was my gift to Landon and was also a big part of my healing.

Above all, I am thankful for everyone's prayers. They have been so powerful and evident during our healing. As Christmas approaches, I do know that it will be a difficult time. But, I know this time will be covered in prayer. And for that, I am truly thankful.

I love you all so much,
Michelle