Christmas 2009 - part one

Ok, this will probably be one of the hardest posts I have done. I have been wanting to blog about our first Christmas with our beautiful daughter Avery and also our first Christmas without our sweet son, Landon. I have attempted many times to sit here and share my thoughts and feelings, but it has been too painful to even do that. I know how much blogging and sharing my thoughts has helped me in the past....so I continue to try.

I will be honest with you. I was really not looking forward to Christmas. I was excited because this was Avery's first Christmas and all the memories and what not. But, how was I going to get through this? I couldn't even go Christmas shopping. All it took was one look at all the Christmas decorations, toys....etc and I would start to cry and have to leave the store. So, I figured out very quickly that this was not going to work. Therefore, I did most of my Christmas shopping online. Thank goodness for modern technology! :)

I don't know what I would do without my husband. Ryan fully understands my heart and he knew how painful Christmas was going to be. Christmas was very hard for Ryan too, but as we all know, men and women just grieve differently. Ryan took care of all the Christmas decorations. I tried to help, but I just couldn't. So, I didn't. For Ryan, it helps him to be busy. When I am overwhelmed with grief...I just check out. That just happens to be our coping mechanisms right now.

One thing that I had to do was order Avery and Landon's Christmas stockings. I wanted all 4 of them hung on our mantle. I could not imagine not having one for Landon. This just did not feel right. So, I got online and ordered their stockings from the same place that I ordered Logan and Addisons years ago. I put them up and it felt good (right) to have them all hung up. It helps me so much to be able to do things for him. He is my son. He will always be. He just isn't here with us on this earth, but we will be with him for eternity in Heaven.....someday.

So, I just continued on trying to figure out how I am going to get through Christmas. After a lot of prayer and spending time talking to the Lord, I thought of something we could for Landon. We got him a small live Christmas tree and placed his ornaments on the tree. One of the ornaments was from a Christmas service that we went to at St. Francis hospital. They have a service every year around Christmas for families that have lost babies. I am so glad we went to this service. It was something we did just for Landon. My whole family came and two of my dear friends. I had written a poem to read that night. I wanted so badly to be able to read the poem at the service, but I just couldn't stop crying sitting there in my seat. There was an auditorium full of people and I was just not ready. So, I have decided to put it on my blog:

A Poem for Landon....from your mommy

I dreamed of you, Landon, before you even began to form

I earnestly looked forward to the day that you were born.

I cherished every second that you were a part of me

So nice and warm and safe next to your twin sister Avery.

We looked forward to your arrival with great anticipation and joy

So blessed to be pregnant with twins....one girl and one boy....

The Lord took you home this past February, on the day your sister was born

So many days of mixed feelings - times to be happy and times to mourn.

Our love for you, Landon, grows stronger and stronger with every passing day

We know that we will be with you forever in Heaven...we just know that this is the only way.

Writing this poem has also helped with my healing too. There is a lot more to come about our first Christmas. The next post will be coming soon.

I just want to thank you all again for your faithful prayers and amazing friendship. You all mean the world to me!

Love you,
Michelle